Worry

I worry. I have always worried. It seems to be in my DNA. One of my early memories is worrying that I was going to go to hell for missing mass. There was a huge blizzard, we had just moved and my dad couldn’t even get the car NEAR our home after work, he had to park at a local shopping center and walk the rest of the way home. I believe the moving van was also stuck somewhere because I don’t remember furniture either! And there I was, a little kid, thinking I was going to go to hell for missing mass. I am still amazed at what a strong memory I have of that. Good grief.

I also remember a missionary coming to our church/school and speaking to us children. What he said spoke to me, even as a child. He talked about my personal demon, worry. He explained how it is a complete waste of time, and that 99% of our worry comes to nothing. Funny, how even as a small child, this hit me. I knew what he was saying made sense, and I prayed that I would be able to embrace the lovely ideas of trust and release that he talked about, but of coarse, I worried that I would NOT be able to manage to do that, then I worried about all my worrying. DNA. What made it impossible for me to ever forget him (his name was Father Murray) was that on the way to his next speaking engagement, he was killed in a car accident. Imagine what that does to a little kids mind?

My heart, my faith, my inner self doesn’t worry. I know that all will be well, no matter what. I am safe because I believe. But my mind, plays scenarios of what if.

What if I lose someone I love and depend on, how will I manage?
What if an illness causes a huge financial burden and I become homeless?
What if my children become overwhelmed with the responsibilities of life?
What if someone I love is hurt emotionally, physically or financially?
What if my parents suffer in their older years?
What if I hurt someone else while I am driving?
What if . . .
What if . .
What if.

I can also worry about little things?
What if I am too tired to take care of a responsibility?
What if I don’t get elected to a small community position I am running for?
What if I say the wrong thing?
What if I let someone down?
What if I give someone the wrong impression?
What if someone misinterprets what I really meant?
What if someone judges me wrongly?
What if . . .
What if . .
What if.

Pretty silly, pretty wasteful, pretty useless, worry. So I continue to remind myself, it’s in my DNA and that my spiritual side easily counteracts with finding peace and contentment in the promises of God. Maybe I can’t STOP my mind from worrying, but I CAN realize it’s not something that needs to define me. It isn’t my only flaw, but it is a recurring one. I will probably worry for the rest of my life, but, when I worry, it also triggers in me my faith in God, knowing that He is the ultimate antidote to worry.

In the story of Martha and Mary, I always identify with Mary, because I will be the one letting the dishes go to socialize, yet when the Lord says, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered about so many things: but only a few things are necessary, really only one, for Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away from her.” Luke 11:41-42. It is Martha I must be like in reality.

He also addresses anxiety in Matthew, chapter 6. In verse 27, he specifically says, “And which of you by being anxious can add a single cubit to his life’s span?” Then, I start to think, but what if it’s painful, miserable, what if I have to watch someone I love suffer, what if, what if, what if.

I struggle with worry, I release when I worry, then I worry again. It will be a cycle that will repeat itself in endless circles because it is in my DNA. Thank goodness there is a safe place for me to go when worry rears its ugly head. I am comforted and have peace and then . . . what if . . .

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Phil. 4:13

It just takes time.